There is a verse that gets at the heart of why people don’t listen well—a verse that diagnoses deep self-centeredness:
“Yet mere] knowledge causes people to be puffed up (to bear themselves loftily and be proud), but love (affection and goodwill and benevolence) edifies and builds up and encourages one to grow [to his full stature].” (1 Cor. 8:1 AMPC)
Being full of opionated “answers,” vs. the love that says “yes” to listening intently with empathy and understanding, gets in the way of the breakthroughs people really need by way of finding the companionship of tuned in ears. And the coaching from Above we need to answer the call on us to listen professionally is found in the love chapter of Holy Writ: 1 Corinthians 13. “Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others,” verse 7 reads. The Passion Translation footnote by Brian Simmons augments this verse with: “Or ‘Love bears all things.’ Although commonly understood to mean that love can bear hardships of any kind, the nominalized form of the verb (stego) is actually the word for ‘roof’ found in Mark 2:4. Paul is saying that love covers all things, like a roof covers the house. See 1 Peter 4:8. Love does not focus on what is wrong but will bear with the shortcomings of others. And like a roof protects and shields, you could say that love springs no leak. It is a safe place that offers shelter, not exposure. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up.”[1]
Love gives people time and attention because it does think the best of others. Love can imagine what they can be “loved” to become. Thus, the way of love entails pro listening with God’s vantage point held in the imagination. Attunement is the term the Immanuel Approach (immanuelapproach.com) to the formation of Christ in others uses in their training. Attunement means being present and connected to others. Relationally “on.” Literally with brain circuitry “on.” The person experiences being seen and understood when one listens with receptivity to their hearts and minds. And our Heavenly Father is the one we copy when it comes to the how-to’s and the why’s of attunement and pro listening. From Ephesians 5 comes, “Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with Him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of Himself to us. Love like that.” (MSG)
Psalm 139 gives the ultimate picture of our Heavenly Father God listening to us: “Lord, You know everything there is to know about me. You perceive every movement of my heart and soul, and you understand my every thought before it even enters my mind. You are so intimately aware of me, Lord. You read my heart like an open book.” (Psalm 139:1-4 TPT)
As we say yes to the mastery of pro listening and its deep benefits, great coaching comes from a true father, John Maxwell. Maxwell writes that listening enables us to learn. If we are full of ourselves and what we want to say, we shut down to knowing another. Listening shows respect. Listening builds relationships because it meets a need in people. Everyone needs someone to hear them. And staying quiet with a focus on others builds loyalty. When we listen to others, they are attracted to us. The door opens to influence them or the opportunity comes to love them. Our task is to value others above ourselves and our responses so we are not just thinking of what we want to say next. We want to “esteem others more highly than ourselves” —literally graft into our beings this verse—so we don’t overvalue our own talking. (Phil. 2:3) And, too, we must slow down and adjust to others’ pace with words. We also must jettison stereotyping people and perceive who they are as unique individuals. 1 Corinthians 12:27 (TPT) puts forth the freeing truth of the identity of ourselves and others we must hold onto: “You are the body of the Anointed One, and each of you is a unique and vital part of it.” (1 Cor. 12:27 TPT)
As we look at the individual speaker and don’t interrupt them with the focus on understanding them, these guidelines published by J. Maxwell from Eric Allenbaugh stand to serve us well:
- Listen with a head-heart connection.
- Listen with the intent of understanding.
- Listen for the message and the message behind the message.
- Listen for both content and feelings.
- Listen with your eyes—your hearing will be improved.
- Listen for others’ interest, not just their position.
- Listen for what they are saying and not saying.
- Listen with empathy and acceptance.
- Listen for the areas where they are afraid and hurt.
- Listen as you would like to be listened to.[2]
What is the true need of the talker at the moment? Comfort, a drive to vent, a desire to persuade or a push to teach? Do they desire to be understood or do they seek to gain release from anxiety? I must check my own emotions. Am I operating out of past baggage? And I must be humble and accepting and labor in Christ to walk free of all judgment and criticism.
It’s good to sum up what you are hearing and ask for clarification at intervals in an engagement. All these ingredients go into love = professional listening.
There is another book and author very important to note and quote. Edward Kurath in I Will Give You Rest How You Can Experience the Peace Jesus Promised masterfully addresses the issue of ripeness in others or readiness for hearing and receiving the answer they might need. We must copy the Lord in the way we listen and then, and only then, if there is the leading of the Holy Spirit, speak:
Ripeness
“All of us want to be completely healed and set free right now. Once you discover that healing and relief from your pain and bad fruit is possible, you don’t want to wait. You may wonder why this process has to take the rest of your life. Doesn’t God want you healed? You need to be patient. Jesus is directing your sanctification process, and He is proceeding as fast as possible. You are not behind schedule. There are many possible reasons for any delay. If He is going slowly, you can be assured He is acting slowly for a good reason. For instance, if the bad root relates to a very traumatic event, the memory of the event may be deeply buried. Your defenses buried it specifically so you wouldn’t have to relive it. To see it again before you are prepared might cause you to be re-traumatized. Because God loves you, He wants you healed, not wounded further. Before revealing such a root to you, He spends time preparing you. He will not let you see it until you will be able to see it without again being wounded. God’s process will have made you ripe to deal with this root. “Ripeness” is like picking apples. If you try to pick an apple before it is ripe, it is difficult to pull off the tree, and you are likely to damage the branch. However, ripe apples fall off easily in your hand. So the Lord ripens you so that when you pray (when you apply the blood of Jesus), it is easy. Then the process brings healing. But you can’t rush your healing any more than you can speed the ripening of the apples on a tree.”[3]
Re: finally speaking in reply with questions to ask yourself:
Is the person ready to hear from you and the Lord in and out of your partnership spirit to Spirit? And are you positioned to let the Lord love through you vs. independently reacting to someone’s talking and your risking hurting them, even striking them with your words grossly out of tune with the Spirit?
A few verses from 1 John close us out as we have considered loving through pro listening and awaiting ripeness in someone before we respond with answers. Know that in every relationship we are being perfected in love by the Master, the Lord Jesus. (1 John 4:18)
“The man who loves his brother lives and moves in the light, and has no reason to stumble. But the man who hates his brother is shut off from the light and gropes his way in the dark without seeing where he is going. To move in the dark is to move blindfold.” (1 John 2:7-11 PHILLIPS)
“Here we have a clear indication as to who are the children of God and who are the children of the devil. The man who does not lead a good life is no son of God, nor is the man who fails to love his brother.” (1 john 3:10 PHILLIPS)
“We know that we have crossed the frontier from death to life because we do love our brothers. The man without love for his brothers is living in death already.” (1 john 3:14-15 PHILLIPS)
“We know and, to some extent realize, the love of God for us because Christ expressed it in laying down his life for us. We must in turn express our love by laying down our lives for those who are our brothers…My children, let us not love merely in theory or in words—let us love in sincerity and in practice!” (1 John 3:16-18 PHILLIPS)
“To you whom I love I say, let us go on loving one another, for love comes from God. Every man who truly loves is God’s son and has some knowledge of him. But the man who does not love cannot know him at all, for God is love.” (1 John 4:7-8 PHILLIPS)
“It is true that no human being has ever had a direct vision of God. Yet if we love each other God does actually live within us, and his love grows in us towards perfection. And, as I wrote above, the guarantee of our living in him and his living in us is the share of his own Spirit which he gives us.” (1 John 4:12-13 PHILLIPS)
For more:
How to Speak, How to Listen Mortimer Adler
How to Read a Book Mortimer Adler
[1] Brian Simmons, The Passion Translation (BroadStreetPublishing.com: BroadStreet Publishing Group, LLC, 2020) 458 n. l.
[2] John Maxwell, Three Books in One Volume, Becoming a Person of Influence (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1997), 80-96.
[3] Edward Kurath, I Will Give You Rest (Divinely Designed), pp.4 2-43.
love lessons 